Quotes by Jarod Kintz

quotes by Jarod Kintz

Best 1196 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

thanks to my grandpa quote by jarod kintz

Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)
telephone pole wires quote by jarod kintz

Telephone pole wires get in the way of great photos. Communication always gets in the way of communication.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)
if my name were nubb quote by jarod kintz

If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)
i bowl with cannonba quote by jarod kintz

I bowl with cannonballs, because this is war, 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)
i am not the no fact quote by jarod kintz

I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be purred.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We made love like we made grilled cheese sandwiches. Did the sandwiches cause us to have sex? Did one bullet lead to WWI?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Why would the US try to win a war? War is an assembly line of death that is highly profitable for politicians and weapons manufacturers. An ongoing war is a conveyer belt of cash. Once your war is won, the assembly line has stopped and the big money is gone.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When politicians declare war, I declare my love for antilove for them.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is trench warfare. So stand aside, and let me keep digging.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Instead of rolling out the red carpet, what about a cherry Fruit Roll-Up? Sometimes celebrity is a path you have to eat in retreat.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was a coach looking to recruit some new fruit, but I decided to give your produce a try. I made the right decision because I ended up winning the 2014 World Picnic Championships.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is a blur. So is this picture. But what do you expect? Murder is fuzzy, like a peach. Yummy!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The banana peel is the condom of the fruit world.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I love teamwork. I love the idea of everyone rallying together to help me win.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If man traveled as a centipede does, rather than with two self-interested steps at a time, more common ground would get covered.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you'd have one tragic haiku.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When tragedy befalls me and someone says, Better you than me, I always reply, Yes, I am better than you.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Are you tired, irritable, or suffering rom heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone in Seattle, who is hurting so bad financially that instead of a vente coffee at Starbucks every morning, they have to downsize to grande.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Her smile energizes me as the sun photosynthesizes life. Our love grows daily.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Like a pair of dead batteries, I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Rather than change the content of my book, I changed the font. I think it made my book funnier.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she was just after my massive fortune. Then I relaxed, when I remembered I'm poor.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is being able to be yourself, with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The best ingredient is free. Free always makes food taste better.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor, but not homeless.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that's true, it makes me sound wealthy and you sound poor, when the reality is we're both broke.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Poor is the man who thinks money makes him wealthy. Love is the true treasure, and the more you give away, the more you have.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love can make a flower more fragrant, a blue sky bluer, and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My heart is spinning. Love is a tornado. Will you be my Kansas?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I know I love her, because when I see her my heart beats like a drum. If she played guitar and sang, we could start a band.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I see a beautiful woman, my heart doesn't go Thump, thump. It goes Hush, hush. I'm very secretive about my feelings.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Or maybe nobody can fill that special place in her heart because I was nobody. And the only thing that fills a hole is a hole. And dirt.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conservation.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh, and your mind, too.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle themselves.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have to offer my future wife. I must specify that my love is hand wash only.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on her grave.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

You can use your mouth to speak the words I love you, or you can use your mouth to kiss me and transport love from your mind to my heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Water can be as hard as ice and as soft as fog, which is why my love is so drinkable, because it is fluid and forgiving. It's easy to love until there's nothing left. Eventually, the water runs out, the ice melts, and the fog fades into an abyss.-Jarod Kintz and Karen Quan

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

To wait on love is to tie a weight on your heart and slowly drown. Why sink when you can fly by freely giving love away?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I can sell you wine and I can sell you flowers, but I can't sell you romance, because that comes from your heart, and it's free.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She plants love, and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Either I will love you, or I will love you if and only if you love me in return. I prefer the former.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it's not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She makes my heart melt. There is a limited supply of sips, so grab a straw and start slurping while you can.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed, unobserved, and unappreciated.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit' Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh' babushki. (I'd wear Moscow as pants for you, like a shivering grandma.)

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three, depending on if there's an extra person involved, or how unmanageably large your heart is.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I sell Jarod-shaped earplugs that just may plug up the hole in your heart. My earplugs are modeled after a nude Helen Keller.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My love for you is like a Florida sunset. Orange, coral, pink, and lavender, it exists to warm your heart through the inevitable darkness.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love rocks. Stones also rock. I wish I could scissors paper my way into your heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My attic is the size of a can of cat food, only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see, I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The ocean in the sky keeps my love fresh like boat shoes that are too big to fail. My heart is flooded with feelings like Noah one knows.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Cages are good. My heart is in my rib cage, and love is in my heart. We should put more things in cages, like politicians.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She made my heart melt, so I replaced it with a new candle. Love is illuminating.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I stabbed her with the time. It was 8:00 sharp. Right through the heart, my love is punctual and pointy.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She said she loves me. Not out loud, but in her mind she said it. I heard it with my heart, telepathically.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She makes my heart flutter, like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She stole my heart, like a pickpocket. And when my wallet also went missing, I knew it was love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

This picture has a lot of motion and features one person being forcibly removed. Reminds me of the commotion of my heart. Love is a lot like a crime scene.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A rose will wilt in short time, but my garden is more vivacious for having one in it. Love is even more fragrant, but often just as fragile and fleeting, but I eagerly accept the joy of it now, knowing the cost is the pain of loss later.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife and I make love every night, sometimes even to each other.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife and I went on vacation to get away. I went to Colorado, and she went to Ireland.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained and locked metal trunk. Then he had the audacity to not accept a coupon when I went to pay him for his services rendered.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If my name were Theodore Tiffany, my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I adore that idea.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to get married. But first I need to get a divorce.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to Will you marry me?Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I sometimes lie awake at night wishing I had all the answers. But I guess only God has all of them, while I only have one answer: I do. Now I just have to wait for the perfect question to use it on.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We were engaged. Not to be married, but in combat. So same thing.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A love story in six words: Hello. Goodbye. In between was marriage.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We made love like two sand dollars in a vending machine. She said she wanted marriage and kids, and I said all I wanted was a soda.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A wedding and a funeral. One event.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes, I will marry you.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I tracked him down.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Is that a hairy snake around her neck? Looks like something a murderess would wear. It's as if she's broadcasting, Come here and cuddle with my cute, furry boa constrictor. Let me drape it around your bare neck.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'd drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that's just who I am. I'm a thoughtful guy.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I'm a restless sleeper.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Two mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, "Can I get you a drink?" Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they'd each left their mouth at home.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you're a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wake up to write stuff down all night. Useful things like this: To more efficiently make love nocturnally, I must combine the best characteristics of bats, bears, and my Uncle Norman who disappeared in the mountains in '94.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wanted to tell her "I love you" back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That's because Pisces are fish, and it's like my grandpa always used to say, "The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A brick could be crushed into powder, like cocaine, and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Some people snort cocaine. I snort powdered love. It's like powdered sugar, only sweeter."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If the status quo came carbonated in a can, I'd shake things up."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you're not Australian, it doesn't negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I don't like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Don't marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

There's a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words are slaves that I put to work constructing my pyramids of thought."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key, especially if you hide it under the first brick the mason's lay when constructing your house."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If my name were Mark Twain, I'd write under the pseudonym "Samuel Clemens."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I'd only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don't have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have is a necklace made out of those glow in the dark stars you stick to bedroom ceilings. But I only wear that on special occasions, like bedtime."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I saw a sign from God, and it said, "Church starts at 8:00 am." I cried out to God saying, "I can't make it because that's too late. Eight am is two hours past my bedtime." I had no idea God was such a party animal."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'd love to try to sell a blank white canvas to an art dealer. And when he asks what it is, I'd tell him, "It's a landscape painting of Key West, from the perspective of an optimistic blind man.""

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface of the moon with a protective layer of sunscreen. If you care about albinos and the environment, you'll see this is a good idea. And hey, it's a better use of taxpayer funds than bailing out private banks."

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

At Starbucks I like ordering a Tall venti in a grande cup. That's basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I'm also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wasn't fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking, and I'm not a speed walker.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I introduced myself thus: My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father's face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn't grow.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love sounds like a trumpet mimicking a trombone. That's one of my hobbies, when I'm not impersonating statues of mimes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Don't drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am the Today Monster, and I'm hungry for yesterday. And I'm thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

For every uneaten sandwich there's an unopened sandwich bag full of baby's tears. I'd give you a straw, but around here, those anal devices are rare. Also, I think I'm in love. Either that or I'm thirsty.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I'm suddenly thirsty?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm hungry but I won't order 18 tubs of ketchup and a spoon. No, I'll order it because I'm thirsty, and I'll ask for a straw.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

As our bodies are mostly made of water, I'd rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of sugar water, I'd rather be a hummingbird caged in your heart.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you're at it, I also like sugar in my coffee.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am the Secretary of Secrecy. I've got filing cabinets and safe's full of Shh!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

For our third date, Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn't have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I've ever smoked.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I'll reply, Who is it? And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can't very well reply, Hexagon!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I'll reply, No thanks, I'll just drink water. And that's not just a statement about table etiquette; it's a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love isn't a series of slogans like Just do it, It's the real thing, or Go ahead, stick it in my butt. Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I went out to eat on a restaurant's opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I'd be dining there and came to adore me.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I tried to raise my eyebrows in disbelief, but I forgot I'd packed away my eyebrows along with all my other winter clothing. My iced coffee was watery and warm with neglect.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love has a shape, but no color. You're probably wondering, If it's transparent, how do you know what shape it is? Good question. Well, for one thing, I put it together, and for another, I'm currently wearing it like body armor (though to the casual observer, I appear naked).

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm an amazing dancer. Of course, to the casual observer, my dancing looks like I'm walking and then sitting.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I must have told her I loved her a thousand times. But none of that matters now that she has discovered that I told her best friend I loved her a thousand and one times.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Who leads the world in consumption? America! Who has more lawyers per capita? America! Who has the highest incarceration rate? America! What is the greatest country on earth? America!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am the coffee, and God is The Barista. Through me, he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She wants to teach me to dance, but how do you instruct water to flow? I'm so fluid all you can do is swim in my moves and drink my essence.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub, to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional, it needs to be used as a fish tank.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A brand is built action by action, just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I saw her from afar. The game was afoot. I had astiffy.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Like a ballet dancer, she keeps me on my toes. This dance we're doing, it keeps me so fit I know she's a perfect fit for me.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Her dancing inspires me to move. I used to be like a statue, and now I am more like a mannequin. So much more fashionable, you know?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Have you ever wanted to be somebody else? Today I fantasized about being my own identical monozygotic twin. How cool would that be? I could both be me, and yet be someone completely different.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have no regrets. Just original grets.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I could have could haved, but instead I did have. Is there any other way to love?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Yellow circles are friendly. Especially smiley faces.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I meander and wander, like a lazy river. Gosh, why are some rivers so damn lazy? What, are they teenagers?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know, for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow meet, only Today gets to shake hands twice. That makes Today twice as important as the other two. But it also means that Today must be careful, because who knows whether Yesterday or Tomorrow washed their hands after going to the bathroom.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back, we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to start a band called "Friday Have Been Cancelled" and then hold open auditions every Friday. The sign will read, "Auditions For Friday Have Been Cancelled." I sure hope nobody shows up because I certainly won't be there.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I abandoned my banned band, and as the lead singer, I felt like my throat was full of desert sand. That's to be expected after doing coke in the desert with BBMak.-Jarod Kintz and Crystal Woods

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I got rid of my car, and bought a garage band instead. Music gets better gas mileage.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A band should be more famous than an individual, because all else being equal, the band has more mothers and fathers to lend support.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have terrible handwriting. Probably because I hold my pen with two chopsticks. I once wrote a love letter that looked more like a portrait of Rasputin.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I was thirsty for was her love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle, and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Your personal brand should be like water: not only clear, but transparent to the public. People thirst for that, and they will drink you up.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is all you need in this world. Well, at least until you die of thirst or you freeze to death.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My initials are J.O.K., and then there is a silent "E" on the end. And not only is it silent, but it's also invisible.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I made a joke today, and I made it out of pennies. It was a very poor joke.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I snorted a whole bag of powdered pink flamingoes, and it was enough to power me through my blues.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Money is not equal for all people. A strong personal brand adds more lift and leverage. One dollar from me may buy a soda from a car dealership, but one dollar from Justin Bieber may get him a Ferrari. And they'd pay him to drive away.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to understand the elements that compose courage in the same way I understand the periodic table. I feel that by knowing the periodic table of courage I can be courageous, at least periodically.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns and mow their carpets without the government having to intervene and force them to.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet remain detached from any personal blame.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted, because I also believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and in the existence of honest politicians.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I got a boob job on my butt, and be honest here, does this bra make my ass look fat?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden planks.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I drink coffee with a spoon, and I eat soup with a straw. The clang of metal on an empty mug wakes me up to the moment and reminds me to love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I kissed a mystery, and it tasted like a woman. Lips are always full of delicious secrets.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Her dad died unexpectedly, so I hid the flowers, because flowers are reminders of spring and life, and also of headstones and death. Also, I hid the flowers because they were for another woman.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or the first woman to be courted by two clones who looked like Christian Bale?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I went back to being a murderer.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The girl who did my oil change was so sexy that after she was done, I drove nonstop 2500 miles one way, just so I could immediately turn around and drive back with a reason to see her again.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I always keep the weather in my pocket, so no matter where I go, I always have something to talk about. Sudden thunderstorms embarrass me.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

It was a cold night, so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I feel like something warm. Apple pie, with two slices of bread and roast beef, covered in a winter coat.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up with an erection, and a decision.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some "footage.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin C?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am the time machine of love. Quick, pull my big lever!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The morning came pouring down on my night, but luckily I was able to convert my erection into an umbrella.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

A zebra has stripes, the American flag has stripes, and I have an erection. Coincidence?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I went for a walk and I stubbed my big toe. And my erection.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If I had an orange penis, and an erection, I might take offense at carrot eaters. Baby carrots.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I slept hard last night. I had an eight-hour raging erection.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I got stiffed on a tip. It was an erection.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Can the government grow the economy like a farmer grows an erection, or a male porn star grows a tree?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have an Unexplained Flying Erection. I also have a floating picture of my dead grandma. The two are unrelated. Long live the queen!

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I can make love for hours, give or take 117 minutes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will fill the void.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

In the absence of an abyss, I filled my invisible void with love.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can't take what's already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I look for patterns that nobody else does. Like I noticed that my face looks like a tablecloth. Especially when I have food all over it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

There is nothing more enjoyable than being a member of an enlightened group of people that meets in complete darkness in complete secrecy. I have no idea why the other members joined, when they joined, how they joined, or if, in fact, there are any other members.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Last night my shadow exploded into hundreds of fluttering black birds, foreshadowing my love taking flight under the cover of camouflage.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they were as real. At least a dream is in the now.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If you can predict the future, you can change the past.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like, huh?

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of myself.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

We should kill the future, so the present has no choice but to retreat into the past.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I see two women, one in a reflection in a window, and the other I see through the window, and it's like I'm looking at both my past and future at the same time.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Design your future. Start with a logo.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)

I am the red wheelbarrow of communism. William Carlos Williams wrote a poem about me.

Jarod Kintz (Source: SoberSides.com)